Blended families are far from easy, but when they happen, a magical role develops: that of a second mother figure. After discovering that she was unable to have children, Lilia came to a place of acceptance — motherhood just wasn't going to be a part of her life. But then she met BJ. Today, she is helping raise his three daughters. It's a role she never saw coming, and it has also forever changed her life for the better.
When did you become a mother, and how many children (or step-children) do you have?
I became a stepmother when I met my husband, BJ, in 2015. We took our time expanding our partnership into a full family relationship, ensuring that we were life long partners before adding his three girls into the mix. I now have 12 year old twin step-daughters and a 14 year old step-daughter.
What was your path like to become a mother/step-mother/grandmother?
For years, I convinced myself that motherhood was meant for other women and not myself. That was in part due to fear, due to lack of a long term partner in my 20s and young 30s and a dogged obsession with being what I deemed to be “successful” at the time. I focused on my career and being an active and involved aunt to the children of my siblings and friends. I later found out I was unable to have children of my own and let go of any notions of motherhood.
I then met my extraordinary husband in 2015 and he had three girls (3, 3 and 5 at the time). I fell deeply in love with him. As I began to integrate into his life, I yearned to be a part of his children’s lives as well. Something in that hard resistance to motherhood cracked, and I finally allowed myself to believe that I could have the joy of children in my life. I was blessed to integrate into their lives at a young age and thankful they opened their hearts to me on the doorstep of the grief they experienced in divorce.
What’s your favorite part about motherhood?
My favorite part of parenting is taking deep breaths, observing my girls, and letting in the lessons they can teach me of the world. I think we are trained to believe that the adults must instill our knowledge on our children. But I am loving what is being taught in reverse. As a step-mother of teenage girls (or nearly there), they teach me what a strong boundary looks like. They teach me how to care for my needs, rather than constantly tending to others. As frustrating as it can be at times, they teach me to prioritize what is important – and today that may not be laundry. They teach me what true rest looks like (man I wish I could sleep in until 11am!). We get to debate world politics and they bring such refreshing perspective to the dinner table that is not weighed down by years of political rhetoric. And most importantly, they teach me really funny jokes and introduced me to the music of Zach Bryan.
Something in that hard resistance to motherhood cracked, and I finally allowed myself to believe that I could have the joy of children in my life.
What has surprised you most about it? Any mistakes you made that you’d be willing to share?
I am surprised at how hard the role of a step-parent is and what limbo you often remain in. There is a lack of discourse and support for such a common but rarely discussed role. I hear rumblings of folks talking about it and see the Cinderella-esque depictions of the evil stepmother. But there is little meaningful discussion and guidance around what I see as a sacred role in a child’s life.
As a step-mother of teenage girls (or nearly there), they teach me. They teach me what a strong boundary looks like. They teach me how to care for my needs, rather than constantly tending to others. As frustrating as it can be at times, they also teach me to prioritize what is important – and today that may not be laundry. And most importantly, they teach me really funny jokes and introduced me to the music of Zach Bryan.
What exactly is the role? Friend, parent, aunt-type, confidant, family member, extra human body in the house? I have been in my girls' lives since they were toddlers, spending 50% of their time in our home. I think it is only natural to step into a parental role in that scenario. But my girls have a mother and father they are deeply connected with and it is a connection I don’t want to interfere with. I grapple with the question: Where can I be most of service to our girls and myself? And I grapple with questions of whether I am over parenting or not doing enough. Can I demand they get off their phone? Is it okay to miss a volleyball game?
My balance, albeit not perfectly or always gracefully, is this: I parent around my boundaries (as young women, you can wash your own dishes and pack a lunch), expose them to my own passions in hopes of sparking some passion within themselves (gardening, quilting, hiking, listening to nerdy music), receive the incredible wisdom they have to offer. At times do I bleed too far into a parental role? I am sure. At times do a fall short on receiving their wisdom? Yes. But I have to believe that if I show up with unconditional love in my heart and the intention to do the right thing… we are doing okay.
Who were some of the mother figures in your life? What essential lesson did they (or one of them) teach you?
My own mother has been a significant influence in how I parent my step-children. She was a single mother of four children, living on a teacher’s salary with some difficult dynamics in her own family. Despite what appeared to be difficult circumstances, my mother managed to fill our life with wonder. She took us into the outdoors as much as possible, taught me to cherish mint in the garden, encouraged me to sew beautiful objects without constraints of any particular set of rules, sang beautiful songs at our bedside, questioned the possibility of fairies in the forest, and cooked outrageously delicious food from all corners of the world.
These were simple pleasures that filled our lives with marvel. In a world full of requests for snapchat, exotic vacations and more screen time, I am blessed to fall back on her teachings. Instead, let’s go to the garden, learn a new song, or take a hike to find wild strawberries up the Bridgers.
